6 Bottoming Myths Worth Busting

Bottoming can be deeply pleasurable, empowering, and connective, but there’s a lot of misinformation out there. Whether you’re curious, experienced, or somewhere in between, we’re here to call BS on some of the most common myths that surround being a receptive partner during sex. Let’s get into it.

1. “Bottoming has to hurt.”

Pain is absolutely not a requirement. Despite some misguided and sometimes downright dangerous myths out there, bottoming should never feel like medieval punishment (unless, of course, that’s your kink). If it hurts, something’s probably off. Too fast, not enough lube, not enough warm-up, or maybe you’re just not in the mood. And that’s okay!

As the experts at Ending HIV put it in their guide to bottoming: lube is your best friend, warm-up is essential, and communication is hotter than porn would have you believe. (Ending HIV, 2024). Basically: your butt is not a vending machine. You can’t just punch in a code and expect magic (or a Gatorade). You’ve got to romance it a little.

Use plenty of lube (then add more). Start with fingers, toys, or anything that lets your body ease into it. Take your time. Breathe. Moan a bit, dramatically if needed. Bottoming is a journey, not a race. No one wins by skipping foreplay and crying on the finish line.

If it still hurts even after doing all the right things, check in with your body. Some days your butt just wants to chill. Respect that. Self-care sometimes means not taking an unnecessary hog.

And of course, if you experience ongoing pain, excessive bleeding, or something just doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it, check in with a medical professional. Your health (and your hole) deserve proper care.

2. “Bottoming means I have to be submissive.”

Let’s set this one on fire and throw it in the bin. Bottoming doesn’t come with a personality requirement. While some folks enjoy a dom/sub dynamic (shoutout to the kinky babes), being the receptive partner during sex doesn’t automatically make you submissive.

Think about it this way: just because you’re getting railed doesn’t mean you’re not running the show. Power bottoms are like directors in porn. Calling the shots, setting the pace, and making sure the performance hits every angle.

Bottoming can be a sensual, playful, aggressive, dominant, or downright bossy experience. Some bottoms bark orders while taking it, others lie back and moan like a French art house film star. There’s no right way to bottom, just your way.

Preach it, Clément. We love a bossy power-bottom with a vision and a grip stronger than your average gorilla.

Whether you're calling the shots or handing over the reins, remember: dominance isn’t about position. It’s about energy. And if you’re wearing leather, cracking a whip, or backing up onto someone like a dump truck, as long as you do it with confidence, I don’t think anyone’s questioning who’s in charge.

3. “Bottoming is gay!”

Okay, let’s get this out of the way: anal play ≠ gay.

Bottoming is a body thing, not a gay thing. Yes, some gay men bottom. So do some straight men. So do women, non-binary people, and just about everyone who’s ever looked at a butt and thought, “Hmm… what if?” The back door is open to all guests (with consent, of course.)

And guess what? According to recent stats, around 15% of straight men have tried pegging, and over 20% are interested in giving it a go (Melancon, 2023). That’s not a fringe group; that’s almost enough dudes to form a rugby league. According to sex researcher Justin Lehmiller (2018), a whopping 60% of men have fantasised about receiving anal. So if your mind has been lingering on a fingering, dont worry. You’re in good company!

It turns out when people feel safe to explore, curiosity beats out stigma, especially when it feels good. Which, by the way, it can. The prostate (aka the "p-spot") is located a few centimetres in and is responsible for some people’s most intense orgasms (Levin, 2017). That’s not a gay thing, it’s an anatomy thing. And if your body’s wired for pleasure, why not explore all the buttons?

So no, trying anal doesn’t mean you’re suddenly starring in a low-budget but critically acclaimed adult film like Lusty Gay Ram Ranchers 3: The Reckoning. It just means you’re a human with a butt and a little curiosity. And honestly? In this economy, being open to free entertainment is not just frugal. It’s a radical act of self-care.

4. “I have to spend ages douching to bottom.”

Let’s clear the air (pun intended). While some people swear by their 10-step anal prep routine involving a Netflix queue, multiple douches, and a small prayer to the booty gods, the truth is: you probably don’t need to douche as much as you think.

In fact, the team at GoFreddie makes it clear that a good high-fibre diet does most of the work for you. A regular and balanced fibre intake helps you stay naturally “empty” and makes spontaneous bottoming way less stressful. That’s right! Your butt can be self-cleaning, like an oven… except way more fun and less likely to burn a pizza.

And sure, a quick rinse might give some people peace of mind (and that’s fine)! But excessive douching can actually irritate the rectum, strip natural bacteria, and lead to exactly the messy situation you were trying to avoid.

So unless you’ve just had a Guzman Y Gomez related emergency (please sponsor us) or your body’s giving you clear “not tonight” signals, you can probably skip the industrial rinse cycle. Listen to your body, time things wisely (a BM before your sesh is usually all you need), and trust that fibre is your friend.

Bottoming doesn’t have to be a military operation. With some planning, a regular diet, and lube (so much lube), your butt can be ready for action.

5. “It’s not good unless it lasts a long time.”

If your idea of “good sex” involves a stopwatch and a performance review, you might be overthinking things a little.

This is a widespread myth likely fuelled by the unrealistic porn examples and locker room banter. But research begs to differ. While specific studies on anal sex duration among queer people are slim pickings (we're still waiting on academia to catch up to our asses), we do have some helpful parallels.

A 2005 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (Waldinger et al.) surveyed sex therapists and found that most defined "adequate" intercourse as lasting 3 to 7 minutes, with 7 to 13 minutes considered "desirable." Anything more than 30 minutes? Apparently “too long” for many, not that there’s anything wrong with a marathon now and then, but your body might have other opinions (like cramps, lube fatigue, and thoughts of “I really should be prepping for DnD this afternoon.”).

And while there’s a glaring hole (ahem) in peer-reviewed data on how long anal sex lasts for gay or queer folks, anecdotal evidence from Reddit threads and queer forums suggests similar timelines. TL;DR: The "ideal" isn’t an hour-long pounding. It’s whatever makes you and your partner(s) feel good, respected, and satisfied (with or without snacks after).

So no, you don’t need to break any world records to have amazing sex. Sometimes short and sweet (and maybe a little spicy) is all it takes.

6. “I have to be able to cum from bottoming or what’s the point?”

Let’s lovingly throw this myth into the same bin as “you have to orgasm for sex to be successful” and “corn belongs on pizza or you’re doing it wrong.” (Spoiler: pleasure is personal.)

Here’s the deal: you don’t have to orgasm from bottoming to enjoy it. In fact, a 2025 study published in Sexual Medicine Open Access found that only 39% of cis men and 19% of cis women orgasm from anal penetration alone (Zaliznyak et al., 2025). That means most people (yes most) are not achieving spurty fireworks just from being penetrated. And yet, people still do it, love it, and come back for more.

Why? Because pleasure ≠ orgasm. Bottoming can feel incredible because of the pressure, the fullness, the rhythm, the intimacy, the kink, the moaning, the eye contact, or the fact that you’re being absolutely worshipped like the holy snack you are.

Some folks cum with a prostate press. Others need external stimulation. Some prefer mental build-up, toys, or two hands and a playlist called “EDM for Jorking it.” And guess what? If you don’t cum, but you laughed, felt close to someone, or just had a hot sweaty time, that’s still great sex.

Also, let’s not act like topping guarantees a one way trip to Ejaculation-Town, USA. Sometimes bodies are tired. Sometimes brains are in the way. Sometimes the lube bottle makes a fart noise and everyone breaks into giggles. It’s all part of it.

So no, you don’t have to cum to make bottoming “worth it.” You just have to want to be there. The real climax is the joy we found along the way.

Myth-Busting Wrap-Up

There are a lot of myths out there that hurt our community and get in the way of enjoying our bodies. But here’s the truth: they’re our bodies and nobody else’s. We deserve pleasure, if we want it, and nothing should stop us from learning how to have it safely, confidently and as often as feels good. Let’s throw out the shame and get better at getting off, together.

Want more queer, trans-inclusive sexual health myth-busting?

Stick with us at Secret Sex Project. We’ll keep bringing the sticky truth, minus the guilt trip.

The information provided in this blog post is intended for general educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While I am a registered health practitioner, this content is not a substitute for consultation with a qualified healthcare professional who can consider your individual circumstances.

This blog reflects my personal views and professional experiences and does not represent the views of my employer or any affiliated organisations.

In line with AHPRA guidelines, no testimonials are included, and this blog post is not intended to advertise or promote specific services or treatments.