Balls to the Wall: A Totally Queer Guide to Checking Your Testicles

Friendly reminder: check your jewels before someone else does 💅

Let’s be real: “checking your balls” can sound scary, awkward, or like something that only super-organised health nerds with monthly reminders in their phone remember to do.

And to be honest? Every single person with testicles in my household has admitted they don’t check regularly. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re low-key scared they’ll either (a) find something terrifying or (b) mess it up and panic in the shower.

Now, look. Am I willing to medically fondle you in the clinic if needed? Sure! Gloves at the ready! But this is something you can 100% do at home, on your own terms, and you actually know your body best. It’s not complicated, it’s quick, and it could literally save your life.

Before we get into the how, let’s talk about the why.

Why You Should Check Your Balls

Testicular cancer is one of the most common cancers in people with testicles (Cancer Australia, 2024), especially in younger adults (roughly ages 15–35). Data from Australian Institute of Health and Welfare suggests that people with testicles have a 1 in 181 (or 0.55%) risk of being diagnosed with testicular cancer by the age of 85. This has led to an estimated 31 deaths of Australians in 2022.

I know this is heavy stuff, but the good news? Most cases are highly treatable when found early (Cancer Council, 2025), and the easiest way to catch it early is by knowing what your normal feels like.

Self-exam is not just for cis guys. Trans, non-binary and intersex people with testicles should also know how to check themselves (all our orchi queens are in the clear). As highlighted in a report by de Nie et al. (2021), trans women have not shown to be at a significantly lower or higher chance of developing testicular cancer. You deserve healthcare and pleasure that includes your whole body, and that includes your balls.

What You’re Checking For

You’re looking (and feeling) for anything that’s new or different. That might include:

• A hard lump (pea-sized or bigger)

• A change in size or shape (one ball suddenly bigger than the other)

• A heavy or dragging sensation

• Pain or discomfort that wasn’t there before

• Swelling or a sudden build-up of fluid

Some variation is totally normal! One testicle is usually a little bigger or hangs lower (kinda like boobs). They’re never perfectly symmetrical. You’re not aiming for perfection here, just noticing changes. If you’re on feminising hormones, your testicles might shrink a bit over time. Yes, that’s expected and a totally normal part of the process (University of California San Francisco, 2019). The body is weird and wonderful and being aware of how your transition may or may not change things is crucial.

Now, how often? Once a month is ideal. An easy way to remember is to pick a day (e.g., first day of the month) or link it to something you already do regularly (like paying rent or changing the sheets).

How to Do a Testicular Self-Exam

1. Do it in the shower (or just after). Warm water relaxes the scrotum and makes it easier to feel what’s going on.

2. Use both hands. Place your index and middle fingers underneath your testicle, with your thumbs on top.

3. Roll gently. Using your thumbs, roll the testicle between your fingers. Move slowly from back to front and side to side.

4. Find the epididymis. This is a soft, coiled tube at the back of each testicle. It can feel like a little bump or squishy tube, also totally normal.

5. Repeat on the other side if you have two testicles. People born with one, or who’ve had one removed, should still check regularly.

You’re not squeezing or poking hard (ouch), just gently rolling to get a sense of what’s “regular” for your body.

What If You Notice Something?

Don’t panic. Most lumps or bumps turn out to be benign and honestly, half the time you’re just feeling your epididymis (that squishy little tube at the back that feels like a weird lump but is actually supposed to be there). But don’t just vibe it out and hope for the best. Book a check-up ASAP with your GP, sexual health nurse or clinic. Early assessment is key, and it’s way better to get reassurance from a professional than to spend two weeks frantically Googling “ball lump scary??????” at 2am while stress-eating cheese out of the bag.

If you’re not sure where to go or want a queer-friendly option, pop into the Secret Sex Talk chat! We’re always happy to be your mildly chaotic (but medically accurate) gay guides.

A Quick Note on Dysphoria

If touching or thinking about your genitals causes discomfort or dysphoria, you’re not alone and you still deserve to take care of your health. Some people find it easier to:

• Do the exam in a low-stimulus environment (e.g., dim lighting, silence or calming music)

• Use gloves or a washcloth as a physical barrier

• Ask a trusted partner or friend (with consent and knowledge) to help perform the check

• Use affirming or neutral language (e.g., “gonads”, "femsticles", “bits”, "pearls", "galls", “girlballs” or whatever feels comfy)

And hey, if the dysphoria is just too much and the idea of touching your bits makes you want to crawl into a hole forever, please know you’re not failing at self-care. You can absolutely talk to an affirming clinician about alternative ways to stay on top of screening (yes, there are options that don’t involve a one-person ball interrogation in the shower).

Keeping yourself safe shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental wellbeing. Adjust, adapt, outsource - whatever works. The goal is care, not perfection (and definitely not emotional damage in the name of “health”).

TL;DR

Check your balls once a month. Know what’s normal for your body. Look out for new lumps, swelling, or changes. If something feels different, get it checked early.

It’s your body. You’re allowed to know it, touch it, and keep it safe.

References

Australian Government. (2024, October). Testicular cancer in Australia statistics. Cancer Australia. https://www.canceraustralia.gov.au/cancer-types/testicular-cancer

Cancer Council. (2025, February). Testicular cancer: Causes, symptoms & treatments. Cancer Council. https://www.cancer.org.au/cancer-information/types-of-cancer/testicular-cancer

de Nie, I., Wiepjes, C. M., de Blok, C. J. M., van Moorselaar, R. J., Pigot, G. L. S., van der Sluis, T. M., Barbé, E., van der Voorn, P., van Mello, N. M., Huirne, J., & den Heijer, M. (2021). Incidence of testicular cancer in trans women using gender‐affirming hormonal treatment: A nationwide cohort study. BJU International, 129(4), 491–497. https://doi.org/10.1111/bju.15575

University of California San Francisco. (2019). Information on estrogen hormone therapy. Information on Estrogen Hormone Therapy | Gender Affirming Health Program. https://transcare.ucsf.edu/article/information-estrogen-hormone-therapy

Resources

• Cancer Council - Understanding Testicular Cancer Booklet

• Doctor O'Donovan - HOW TO EXAMINE YOUR OWN TESTICLES (Video)

  
  

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The information provided in this blog post is intended for general educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While I am a registered health practitioner, this content is not a substitute for consultation with a qualified healthcare professional who can consider your individual circumstances.

This blog reflects my personal views and professional experiences and does not represent the views of my employer or any affiliated organisations.

In line with AHPRA guidelines, no testimonials are included, and this blog post is not intended to advertise or promote specific services or treatments.